Sunday, September 09, 2007
THE MAYOR IS NOT DEAD.
Sorry for the confusion, the mayor didn't die, it was actually the old guy from the story. We're still waiting for the other old man to die.
Puppies, Evil.
An old and highly respected old guy lost an arm and a leg yesterday, and another leg. The puppies strike again. For the first time.
The old man was having a jolly old birthday (Happy birthday old man!) when along came two trios of four puppies. They disguised themselves as repulsive goat butts, but the old man saw through their disguises.
"They were so cute, and being puppies, and I didn't think that they would remove any parts of my body," said the respected old man. "But I was wrong... Once again."
They puppies stole the old man from his sidewalk and brought him to the Scary Shack Next To The Dead Tree On The Spooky Hill That Has Never Been Investigated By Anyone, Ever, Including The CIA. It seems that the SSNTTDTOTSHTHNBIBA, E, ITCIA was the puppies' evil hideout.
The leg and arm were then carefully removed by the puppies, and the leg was carefully removed by the puppies. If anyone, including the CIA, ever investigated the SSNTTDTOTSHTHNBIBA, E, ITCIA, perhaps they would find the old man's leg and arm, and his leg, But this does not seem likely.
"We've got better things to waste our money on." Said our Mayor during an interview about the Robotside Pancake Art Festival. "Last year they didn't even give me a dang pancake."
The old man died in a grave.
The old man was having a jolly old birthday (Happy birthday old man!) when along came two trios of four puppies. They disguised themselves as repulsive goat butts, but the old man saw through their disguises.
"They were so cute, and being puppies, and I didn't think that they would remove any parts of my body," said the respected old man. "But I was wrong... Once again."
They puppies stole the old man from his sidewalk and brought him to the Scary Shack Next To The Dead Tree On The Spooky Hill That Has Never Been Investigated By Anyone, Ever, Including The CIA. It seems that the SSNTTDTOTSHTHNBIBA, E, ITCIA was the puppies' evil hideout.
The leg and arm were then carefully removed by the puppies, and the leg was carefully removed by the puppies. If anyone, including the CIA, ever investigated the SSNTTDTOTSHTHNBIBA, E, ITCIA, perhaps they would find the old man's leg and arm, and his leg, But this does not seem likely.
"We've got better things to waste our money on." Said our Mayor during an interview about the Robotside Pancake Art Festival. "Last year they didn't even give me a dang pancake."
The old man died in a grave.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Another Random Guy Becomes Famous
Here's why THIS random guy will become famous. 8 ran into a hole in the universe just a few hours ago. Yeah, it probably wasn't supposed to be there. That's why we're doing a news report about it. Got it now?
"It was there all right." Said 8. "It was empty, a hole, and probably not in a wall, but more like a universe." Just another quote this reporter will never understand.
8 also pointed out the many theories of how the hole could have appeared, which is all just boring, useless, boring information that if we really wanted to hear about we'd be nerds and writing science magazines instead of REAL NEWS!!!
"I have a science magazine, if you guys want to check it out," said 8, "there's some cool info about all the possibilites of how the hole might have blah blah blah."
Check back some other time, and maybe we'll have some REAL NEWS!!! for you. But not lately. Lately we've been offering some bowls of steaming hot crap. Mmmm!
"It was there all right." Said 8. "It was empty, a hole, and probably not in a wall, but more like a universe." Just another quote this reporter will never understand.
8 also pointed out the many theories of how the hole could have appeared, which is all just boring, useless, boring information that if we really wanted to hear about we'd be nerds and writing science magazines instead of REAL NEWS!!!
"I have a science magazine, if you guys want to check it out," said 8, "there's some cool info about all the possibilites of how the hole might have blah blah blah."
Check back some other time, and maybe we'll have some REAL NEWS!!! for you. But not lately. Lately we've been offering some bowls of steaming hot crap. Mmmm!
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Footballer Sued for Not Wide-Recieving
A footballer on a college football team, the People Who Like Stupid Games, has been found guilty of not wide recieving an object just minutes after signing his wide-recieving guy contract.
Yeah, contract!
"We needed a good wide-reciever guy." said the coach of the People Who Like Stupid Games, who coaches football, and likes playing it. "I thought this guy would do a good job doing... Whatever a wide reciever does."
But he was wrong. Oh the iron! It's just too much! Just as Mr. Wide Reciever man (Of the People Who ike Stupid Games, which is a football team) left to go tell his grandparents about the wonderous injuries he would be enjoying this football season, when an old guy dropped his bag of groceries. We've managed to get this next part word-for-word.
"Could you get my groceries? I have a back, it has a problem, I need my groceries!" Said the old man. "Uh huh sure!" replied wide reciever. And he picked it up! He didn't wide recieve it! OH THE IRON!
"I beat him down a time or two or three or," said the coach, "seven, or perhaps, maybe, more." The coach knew just how to handle the situation, as you can tell. But the authorities can handle it better!
"We're gonna hang one of them dollar thingees right in front of his face, but he can't have it, and he knows it, " Said the authorities. "it's gonna be a hillarious if we can get it on that there tape recorderin' camera and put it on the your tube, or whatever you kids have to keep yerselves alive these days."
The People Who Like Stupid Games will frown upon this day. But they won't frown upon football. The People Who Like Stupid Games like football.
Yeah, contract!
"We needed a good wide-reciever guy." said the coach of the People Who Like Stupid Games, who coaches football, and likes playing it. "I thought this guy would do a good job doing... Whatever a wide reciever does."
But he was wrong. Oh the iron! It's just too much! Just as Mr. Wide Reciever man (Of the People Who ike Stupid Games, which is a football team) left to go tell his grandparents about the wonderous injuries he would be enjoying this football season, when an old guy dropped his bag of groceries. We've managed to get this next part word-for-word.
"Could you get my groceries? I have a back, it has a problem, I need my groceries!" Said the old man. "Uh huh sure!" replied wide reciever. And he picked it up! He didn't wide recieve it! OH THE IRON!
"I beat him down a time or two or three or," said the coach, "seven, or perhaps, maybe, more." The coach knew just how to handle the situation, as you can tell. But the authorities can handle it better!
"We're gonna hang one of them dollar thingees right in front of his face, but he can't have it, and he knows it, " Said the authorities. "it's gonna be a hillarious if we can get it on that there tape recorderin' camera and put it on the your tube, or whatever you kids have to keep yerselves alive these days."
The People Who Like Stupid Games will frown upon this day. But they won't frown upon football. The People Who Like Stupid Games like football.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Septembermonth Extravaganza Goes Bankrupt...?
Pub Licks' Septemberth Annual Septembermonth Extravaganza Event has finally gone to a funeral, died, visited Egypt, and jumped the shark all in a matter of 2 and a half days. So why has everyone's favorite good time event gone bankrupt?
"I'M NOT PAID SOMEONE PAY ME!" Said Septembermonth, all in one sentence (Just like I raised him!). "I HAVE BILLS I MUST PAY I CAN'T PAY THEM BY MYSELF HOW DO I PAY THEM IF I DON'T GET PAYED HELP ME!"
This awful sight was brought to you by Pub Licks, but it is now brought to you by the Department of the Police Department.
"I couldn't really tell what was going on there," said Officer. "People were running around the store screaming, just ask Lieutenant, he was there too, but I think he got trampled."
We took his advice and asked the mangled robot if he knew what was going on with the Septembermonth Extravaganza. We had to smack some dirt out of his mouth for his words to actually be understandable, and we had much trouble doing so, but it's all just part of the job. He screamed "HELP ME!" But since we've heard that many times in this great newspaper, we decided not to do anything about it.
It was obvious that Septembermonth simply could no longer afford being awesome, and had to move on to smaller and worse things. Pub Licks will forever be remembered for not paying this incredible event enough cash for it to survive, and we will forever continue to shun it, for the rest of our worthless lives, until we need some more bread, which is right now.
"I'M NOT PAID SOMEONE PAY ME!" Said Septembermonth, all in one sentence (Just like I raised him!). "I HAVE BILLS I MUST PAY I CAN'T PAY THEM BY MYSELF HOW DO I PAY THEM IF I DON'T GET PAYED HELP ME!"
This awful sight was brought to you by Pub Licks, but it is now brought to you by the Department of the Police Department.
"I couldn't really tell what was going on there," said Officer. "People were running around the store screaming, just ask Lieutenant, he was there too, but I think he got trampled."
We took his advice and asked the mangled robot if he knew what was going on with the Septembermonth Extravaganza. We had to smack some dirt out of his mouth for his words to actually be understandable, and we had much trouble doing so, but it's all just part of the job. He screamed "HELP ME!" But since we've heard that many times in this great newspaper, we decided not to do anything about it.
It was obvious that Septembermonth simply could no longer afford being awesome, and had to move on to smaller and worse things. Pub Licks will forever be remembered for not paying this incredible event enough cash for it to survive, and we will forever continue to shun it, for the rest of our worthless lives, until we need some more bread, which is right now.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
An Innovative New Way To Make Money
Chuck Stuhvup has finally made that invention that everyone grew afros so they could tear their hair out for longer periods of time while waiting for it to be finished. Yeah, I think it's the money making machine. But don't take my word for it, I'll sue you!
"I made the thing here." said Chuck. "It's really a good." was another sentence he used. "I'll might show you it." was also a couple of words he tossed out of his mouth. "I will be teachered a bombardment every day." was I'm not gonna even go there.
Stuhvup then went into his hut and pulled out his hairpiece, told us he wasn't wearing it, then showed us his crazy contraption that would forever supply Robotside with (Counterfeit) money.
Turns out it was a blender, and it cost alot. I've never seen one like it. I actually want to buy one, I don't remember what brand he said it was though.
He said, "I just figured, at the time, you know, money is like a blender. You keep mixing it up, stuff in it, I mean, the blender, and then... It's like money, you know, right? Because money is, like, a big green tree, but it's not big, really, it's actually... Well, more like, you know, something you put in a microwave... Wait, no, you put it in a... Blender, wait, it is a blender, money... Money is, you know, like a blender, but like money, but both at the same time, you know? But like a blender. But like money, too. But also a microwave, no a blender, money is not like a microwave, it's more like a blender, not money... I mean a microwave, you know, not a microwave but a blender, which is like money, but something to do with a big green tree, only smaller, like money, or maybe a blender, you know, because a tree is much too big to be, you know... Money, because money and a tree are different, but money is more like a blender than a tree, because a blender and money are sort of the, you know, same size... But a tree, it's more like, a microwave, but not really, because a blender is more like money and not like a tree or a microwave, or... You know."
"I made the thing here." said Chuck. "It's really a good." was another sentence he used. "I'll might show you it." was also a couple of words he tossed out of his mouth. "I will be teachered a bombardment every day." was I'm not gonna even go there.
Stuhvup then went into his hut and pulled out his hairpiece, told us he wasn't wearing it, then showed us his crazy contraption that would forever supply Robotside with (Counterfeit) money.
Turns out it was a blender, and it cost alot. I've never seen one like it. I actually want to buy one, I don't remember what brand he said it was though.
He said, "I just figured, at the time, you know, money is like a blender. You keep mixing it up, stuff in it, I mean, the blender, and then... It's like money, you know, right? Because money is, like, a big green tree, but it's not big, really, it's actually... Well, more like, you know, something you put in a microwave... Wait, no, you put it in a... Blender, wait, it is a blender, money... Money is, you know, like a blender, but like money, but both at the same time, you know? But like a blender. But like money, too. But also a microwave, no a blender, money is not like a microwave, it's more like a blender, not money... I mean a microwave, you know, not a microwave but a blender, which is like money, but something to do with a big green tree, only smaller, like money, or maybe a blender, you know, because a tree is much too big to be, you know... Money, because money and a tree are different, but money is more like a blender than a tree, because a blender and money are sort of the, you know, same size... But a tree, it's more like, a microwave, but not really, because a blender is more like money and not like a tree or a microwave, or... You know."
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Tales From The Cardboard Box*: How Hobos Survive in Robotside
Yeah, news has been pretty slow lately, so we sped it up with more gibberish you could care less about by telling you some incredibly uneducational, unentertaining and unmiddle-class stories about the survival of hobos in the incredibly almost-hobo-free city of Robotside. Why you ask? Please restate the question and shut up.
Please take note that the following stories are really hard to read, we had to do much translating in the hobo-to-normal dictionary, and it didn't go so well.
The first story comes from another one of those people with some first name like Bob and the last name of Smith, or Johnson, or something of the sort. He told us his real name but it sucked.
"Well, yup, yeah, I, yeah, you know, just, yeah, yup, then he, just, you know, yup."
I called him a liar and cast him out of the hobo society with a gold-plated iron fist.
The next guy called himself "Degeglluh" and tried to kill many of the members of the Times' crew, but we still managed to get quite an interview out of him.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" was one of his most memorable quotes. If you told me to lie, I'd say it brought tears to my eyes. Hey, that would be a good line for an emo song. I think. Wait, they cry alot. I don't know.
The third suffered us murdering him with a strangling heart attack electrocution steak knife. But we still got a pretty nice interview, and I'd say it was definately one of the most amazing interview I'd ever had to do during my whole "career" with the Robotside Times Crew.
He said "I'm not gonna get a job."
*We actually asked the hobos about the stories, not their boxes.
Please take note that the following stories are really hard to read, we had to do much translating in the hobo-to-normal dictionary, and it didn't go so well.
The first story comes from another one of those people with some first name like Bob and the last name of Smith, or Johnson, or something of the sort. He told us his real name but it sucked.
"Well, yup, yeah, I, yeah, you know, just, yeah, yup, then he, just, you know, yup."
I called him a liar and cast him out of the hobo society with a gold-plated iron fist.
The next guy called himself "Degeglluh" and tried to kill many of the members of the Times' crew, but we still managed to get quite an interview out of him.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" was one of his most memorable quotes. If you told me to lie, I'd say it brought tears to my eyes. Hey, that would be a good line for an emo song. I think. Wait, they cry alot. I don't know.
The third suffered us murdering him with a strangling heart attack electrocution steak knife. But we still got a pretty nice interview, and I'd say it was definately one of the most amazing interview I'd ever had to do during my whole "career" with the Robotside Times Crew.
He said "I'm not gonna get a job."
*We actually asked the hobos about the stories, not their boxes.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Torture "Schools" a Success
We never saw it coming. Except yesterday. But you can't blame me, I had to do a news report about it. Wasn't it a great story? why thank you for saying so!
Ahem. The Torture "Schools" that were found out about during yesterday's story are now filled with suffering young bots. I could really care less at the moment, since I'm not one of them. But it is something we should write a story about.
The sewer citizens jumped out from their manholes and burned down the young bot's safe houses. The young bots, unable to put up enough defense against the sewerpeople, were forced to jump from the burning buildings.
Many were injured and some even died.
But, that just makes things easier for the evil sewerpeople. They surrounded and beat down the survivors, stuffed them in bags, beat them again, inspired the Lost Loozers to start a band, and threw them in the Torture "Schools". What happened next is not clear to us; it never really has been.
Ahem. The Torture "Schools" that were found out about during yesterday's story are now filled with suffering young bots. I could really care less at the moment, since I'm not one of them. But it is something we should write a story about.
The sewer citizens jumped out from their manholes and burned down the young bot's safe houses. The young bots, unable to put up enough defense against the sewerpeople, were forced to jump from the burning buildings.
Many were injured and some even died.
But, that just makes things easier for the evil sewerpeople. They surrounded and beat down the survivors, stuffed them in bags, beat them again, inspired the Lost Loozers to start a band, and threw them in the Torture "Schools". What happened next is not clear to us; it never really has been.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Young Robots Brace For the Reopening of Torture "Schools"
In this widely known event that Robotside will cover TWO DAYS IN A ROW, the evil citizens of the Robotside sewers have uncovered their rebuilt Torture "Schools", and they had them done without anyone noticing, caring, or crapping their pants. Well, strike the last one.
The young bots had been slacking, unfortuantely, when building their safe houses. They didn't think a new Torture "School" would be built during the summer, and so they partied like it was some famous time period. They hoped that some of the older robots would notice some evil brewing in the town and stop it before it occured. This did not happen.
The newest Torture "School", which was apparently finished two weeks ago but cleverly hidden by a few giant sheets of paper, is the largest in recorded history.
The young robots are very worried, and this reporter waits to see when the evil Sewerpeople will strike the poor young bots... tomorrow!
The young bots had been slacking, unfortuantely, when building their safe houses. They didn't think a new Torture "School" would be built during the summer, and so they partied like it was some famous time period. They hoped that some of the older robots would notice some evil brewing in the town and stop it before it occured. This did not happen.
The newest Torture "School", which was apparently finished two weeks ago but cleverly hidden by a few giant sheets of paper, is the largest in recorded history.
The young robots are very worried, and this reporter waits to see when the evil Sewerpeople will strike the poor young bots... tomorrow!
Monday, August 13, 2007
It's That Writer's Birthday!
I, Mikey, writer in chef for the Robotside Times, declares once again that now, on this day, at this time, at this declaration, is currently a birthday for himself, because August 13th is indeed my birthday.
Mikey Robot (I said my name in a newsreport! EHHHHH!) is now another year old, and now his age is older. But this news won't shock you if you have common sense.
We went the to streets of Robotside to get people's reactions to the event. The first random guy we talked to said something like "OH. MY. OBJECTS." After he came back from his coma, he explained how shocked he was.
Another quote that was "I didn't know people still had birthdays, man." Many people said this, but as a stupid newspaper company I'd like to give this quote the very famous Bob McBobbe. Mcbobbe said "I didn't know people still had birthdays, man."
Mikey Robot (I said my name in a newsreport! EHHHHH!) is now another year old, and now his age is older. But this news won't shock you if you have common sense.
We went the to streets of Robotside to get people's reactions to the event. The first random guy we talked to said something like "OH. MY. OBJECTS." After he came back from his coma, he explained how shocked he was.
Another quote that was "I didn't know people still had birthdays, man." Many people said this, but as a stupid newspaper company I'd like to give this quote the very famous Bob McBobbe. Mcbobbe said "I didn't know people still had birthdays, man."
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Candy Store Contest is a Baloney Sandwich
You heard it here first! (Because we're the only people that report this stuff)
A local candy store called "Butt" had a contest last week where if you guessed how many jelly beans were in their jar (And all that nonsense) you would win a dollar times one hundred. Pretty sneaky, huh?
All the kids went to the story to guess the jelly beans. They wanted to win that prize so badly. Happy Johnny won the contest, and when he got his prize, it turned out to be $100. That's right! Those evil people!
Happy Johnny sued Butt for the 100 dollars he deserved. All is now well. I think.
A local candy store called "Butt" had a contest last week where if you guessed how many jelly beans were in their jar (And all that nonsense) you would win a dollar times one hundred. Pretty sneaky, huh?
All the kids went to the story to guess the jelly beans. They wanted to win that prize so badly. Happy Johnny won the contest, and when he got his prize, it turned out to be $100. That's right! Those evil people!
Happy Johnny sued Butt for the 100 dollars he deserved. All is now well. I think.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Dead Man Found on Beach, Possibly Solving a 14 Year Old Investigation
It's sad, but true. We finally found the dead guy, and have learned who might have been killed in that Painball Gun Pasta Sauce incident that I would much like to talk about, but I cannot.
I cannot, because this dead guy won't shut up about the possible murders that might have occured during that incident. I try to clear my mind of what he's talking about, but it sure as heck is not working.
This guy is telling me about some sort of ice cream man in a wheelchair with some kind of crazy nuclear device. I'm not yet telling everyone who that is yet, but if anybody knows who this dead guy belongs to, please come get him immeadiately. Please.
Okay, that wheelchair ice cream guy is my neighbor's grandpa. Loser.
I cannot, because this dead guy won't shut up about the possible murders that might have occured during that incident. I try to clear my mind of what he's talking about, but it sure as heck is not working.
This guy is telling me about some sort of ice cream man in a wheelchair with some kind of crazy nuclear device. I'm not yet telling everyone who that is yet, but if anybody knows who this dead guy belongs to, please come get him immeadiately. Please.
Okay, that wheelchair ice cream guy is my neighbor's grandpa. Loser.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Incredibly wild wildfire is wild! Wild! Wildfire.
Semi Truck driver Reeninatsreddalf fell asleep at the wheel while driving on the highway at, like, some time you would normally fall asleep at the wheel. Yeah, he admitted doing it. We took his brain out and wired it up to our computers and, to make a long story short, we wrote a story about a wildfire.
But if that was just the story to begin the story that we're about to tell you. Notice how there weren't any wildfires in that story? Had we continued to make that story a "short story long", or whatever you want to say, we decided it was more important to look into this story of the story to begin the story that we're about to tell you. If we didn't tell this story, that would just story story story.
Reeninatsreddalf (I'm gonna call him dalfin for now cuz it's funnie!) drove his truck into the woods, and he was asleep, as we said in the first story. If he wasn't asleep, there wouldn't be a problem, nor would there be a first story, or even a second story for that matter.
The truck hit multiple trees and created multiple problems. In fact, researchers said that the truck saved a young robot stuck in a tree by knocking the tree down, but then, in a dramatic, insane twist, ran over the robot as many times as five bucks. The researchers also made up some other stories that are too gruesome to tell on our incredibly awesome newspaperstory.
The truck exploded soon enough and sent wild and crazy fires into every direction you could possible imagine, including #~%. The police threw a dance party-I mean, search party-I mean, birthday party for everyone's birthday. I mean dance party. The police threw a dance party. At your mom.
But if that was just the story to begin the story that we're about to tell you. Notice how there weren't any wildfires in that story? Had we continued to make that story a "short story long", or whatever you want to say, we decided it was more important to look into this story of the story to begin the story that we're about to tell you. If we didn't tell this story, that would just story story story.
Reeninatsreddalf (I'm gonna call him dalfin for now cuz it's funnie!) drove his truck into the woods, and he was asleep, as we said in the first story. If he wasn't asleep, there wouldn't be a problem, nor would there be a first story, or even a second story for that matter.
The truck hit multiple trees and created multiple problems. In fact, researchers said that the truck saved a young robot stuck in a tree by knocking the tree down, but then, in a dramatic, insane twist, ran over the robot as many times as five bucks. The researchers also made up some other stories that are too gruesome to tell on our incredibly awesome newspaperstory.
The truck exploded soon enough and sent wild and crazy fires into every direction you could possible imagine, including #~%. The police threw a dance party-I mean, search party-I mean, birthday party for everyone's birthday. I mean dance party. The police threw a dance party. At your mom.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Organization Against Airplanes invades Robotside
Have you ever been seasick?
Anyway, the OAA decided to enter Robotside after being thrown out of nearly every other square foot of land on the planet, and caused a major uproar. UPROAR!
Obviously, planes have affected the lives of the Robotside citizens, and plus they're super awesome. So when people enter our super awesome city and try to remove our super awesome stuff, we take out our shotguns and do not use violence. Unless you consider using your shotgun to blow the heads off a bunch of stupid anti-airplane freaks violent. Then we use violence.
Which we successfully did, and it successfully worked. Since they had nowhere else to go, it was a win-win situation. Well, we still have airplanes, so they didn't win, but this world is still as super awesome as it should be.
Anyway, the OAA decided to enter Robotside after being thrown out of nearly every other square foot of land on the planet, and caused a major uproar. UPROAR!
Obviously, planes have affected the lives of the Robotside citizens, and plus they're super awesome. So when people enter our super awesome city and try to remove our super awesome stuff, we take out our shotguns and do not use violence. Unless you consider using your shotgun to blow the heads off a bunch of stupid anti-airplane freaks violent. Then we use violence.
Which we successfully did, and it successfully worked. Since they had nowhere else to go, it was a win-win situation. Well, we still have airplanes, so they didn't win, but this world is still as super awesome as it should be.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
The Robotside Times News Updating Update
Instead of giving you your big news stories on the Friday through the Sunday, we're gonna go back to just giving you the stories whenever we feel like it. So now, you'll be waiting for a news, and it could happen in a month or maybe tomorrow. Who knows. As long as it's not on a regular basis.
-Mikey
-Mikey
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Robotside Mall Holds "Pain and Suffering" Contest
Want to win a car? Go buy a car! Want to win a million dollars? Go buy a million dollars! Want to win a torn up pair of jeans? Hold on, don't get too excitited. The contest is over. Oh, and the prize was a pure-gold coated grape.
In this contest, emo kids from around town (And some from that there other town) joined in to show how much they could hurt themselves, and also tell their fake stories about why their lives are so terrible. It's actually quite entertaining, considering the fact that emo kids really do think everything about their lives is terrible.
But one life was terrible no more. That robot culd no longer say he was emo, because he managed to convince the judges his life was terrible and inflict incredible pain unto himself. Ray Serblaide went home with the incredible golden (coated) grape.
"It's just so worthless," said Ray. "This thing is, like, a ****** grape, lightly coated with gold. Why the **** would somebody want this? At least I realize my life isn't terrible anymore."
He also said "Stop ****** interviewing me, ******! Get the ****** **** away from me! ****!"
In this contest, emo kids from around town (And some from that there other town) joined in to show how much they could hurt themselves, and also tell their fake stories about why their lives are so terrible. It's actually quite entertaining, considering the fact that emo kids really do think everything about their lives is terrible.
But one life was terrible no more. That robot culd no longer say he was emo, because he managed to convince the judges his life was terrible and inflict incredible pain unto himself. Ray Serblaide went home with the incredible golden (coated) grape.
"It's just so worthless," said Ray. "This thing is, like, a ****** grape, lightly coated with gold. Why the **** would somebody want this? At least I realize my life isn't terrible anymore."
He also said "Stop ****** interviewing me, ******! Get the ****** **** away from me! ****!"
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Pub Licks Loses Doughnut Supply, Police Don't Work
Perhaps you're tired of hearing Police-Doughnut stories in our beloved Robotside times. Want to hear about something else? Well too bad! Those other newspapers ain't gonna take your crap like we do, you stupid, spoiled newsreader! Now sit down and straighten that tie you're not wearing!
Anyway, Pub Licks hasn't been shipped a new doughnut supply in a month and the policemen have decided to not eat the moldy ones that PL has left. So I did. I think I have ADD now, but it's not polite to make jokes about people with ADD. It is being shipped throughout the world in the shape of doughnuts, you know.
This reporter answers, why?
Anyway, Pub Licks hasn't been shipped a new doughnut supply in a month and the policemen have decided to not eat the moldy ones that PL has left. So I did. I think I have ADD now, but it's not polite to make jokes about people with ADD. It is being shipped throughout the world in the shape of doughnuts, you know.
This reporter answers, why?
Friday, June 22, 2007
World's Largest Projectile for World's Smallest Rocket Launcher
Yeah. Somebody finally beat the other guy that originally held that record, and he did it in a SEVERE CASE OF STYLE. John "Squaring Off With a Porcupine" McSomething, one of Robotside's most famous unpopular Scienceintologist, finally got around to doing one of the least important jobs for a Scienceintologist to do.
Squaring Off With a Porcupine, 41, wanted to leave a mark on the world before he died in an accident predicted 30 years ago that would happen on his 42nd birthday. The task would be mindnumbing, as all "leavin' my mark on that there world" tasks are. John McSomething did what the title of the story said he did, and he died peacefully three days later with his mark on that there world.
The criminal who predicted this guy's death seemed to be a few months off with his prediction, and he is wanted with a BIG DOLLAR reward. If you've seen or given spare change to whoever this guy is, please turn yourself into the authorities with your magical powers.
Squaring Off With a Porcupine, 41, wanted to leave a mark on the world before he died in an accident predicted 30 years ago that would happen on his 42nd birthday. The task would be mindnumbing, as all "leavin' my mark on that there world" tasks are. John McSomething did what the title of the story said he did, and he died peacefully three days later with his mark on that there world.
The criminal who predicted this guy's death seemed to be a few months off with his prediction, and he is wanted with a BIG DOLLAR reward. If you've seen or given spare change to whoever this guy is, please turn yourself into the authorities with your magical powers.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Fladderstanineer Does It Again
Bob Fladderstanineer, reported in a story about something a few many months ago, has decided he wasn't popular enough to only be reported once about something really bad in this newspaper, decided to become popular enough to be reported again. What a great idea, if I do say so myself. But who cares what I have to say, I just write the newspaper.
Fladderstanineer took his helicopter to the lake and crashed into it. That basically means he landed in the water, since you can't really crash into water, not like a wall anyways. And you know what? That guy gets a better idea and crashes the thing into a wall. But that couldn't stop him. He then stole some other guy's helicopter and dramatically crashed it into the Blinternational Blank of Blutter, just like everyone else in the world fantasizes about their death being like.
This guy died, as you can hopefully tell. He didn't get a funeral or major TV attention since he didn't have a family, any friends, any enemies, and the fact that he did not kill anyone except himself (And those Blutter people, who we care about as equally as this guy.), so we're just going to end this story at that.
Fladderstanineer took his helicopter to the lake and crashed into it. That basically means he landed in the water, since you can't really crash into water, not like a wall anyways. And you know what? That guy gets a better idea and crashes the thing into a wall. But that couldn't stop him. He then stole some other guy's helicopter and dramatically crashed it into the Blinternational Blank of Blutter, just like everyone else in the world fantasizes about their death being like.
This guy died, as you can hopefully tell. He didn't get a funeral or major TV attention since he didn't have a family, any friends, any enemies, and the fact that he did not kill anyone except himself (And those Blutter people, who we care about as equally as this guy.), so we're just going to end this story at that.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Multiple Attacks Around The City Limits
Normally, no one would give a poop's crap about stuff happening around the city limits, however it seems that something is injuring citizens that live inside the city limits who wind up outside said city limits.
And when we say injuring, we mean nothing whatsoever!
Actually, some people have been venturing outside our awesome city and, when they return, appear to have had much more money then when they had left. This has puzzled our most brilliant know-it-alls, which is odd and really destroying their titles as know-it-alls.
"I went out there, and I stole that one guy's bank," said one of the poor people who wound up taking part in this occurance. "It was big. Don't tell no one."
The other people didn't want to say anything.
And when we say injuring, we mean nothing whatsoever!
Actually, some people have been venturing outside our awesome city and, when they return, appear to have had much more money then when they had left. This has puzzled our most brilliant know-it-alls, which is odd and really destroying their titles as know-it-alls.
"I went out there, and I stole that one guy's bank," said one of the poor people who wound up taking part in this occurance. "It was big. Don't tell no one."
The other people didn't want to say anything.
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Radio Station Accidently Angers People
After a recent problem with rap problems with robots, a radio station in our town that we live in decided to play a song that was down with it's bad self. The response was negative, and the sounds were quickly sent to a nearby planet.
"Those are one things that we will not never not miss." Said the Mayor, on a recording tape we found when searching his office. These are the words of a strong, knowledgeabiltabaleable mayor that we need to rebuild our city after hearing such music. One day, we hope, someone will see his face.
Back to the story I don't enjoy writing about. The radio station, who doesn't want to reveal his name, was fired by his boss Bob Hajiglije later that day. It took to long, somebody should have shot that radio station before it had a chance to do anything stupid in the first place. "The radio station was immature in doing what it did", said Mr. Hajiglije. "I fired that radio station. I am the man."
That's all we got.
"Those are one things that we will not never not miss." Said the Mayor, on a recording tape we found when searching his office. These are the words of a strong, knowledgeabiltabaleable mayor that we need to rebuild our city after hearing such music. One day, we hope, someone will see his face.
Back to the story I don't enjoy writing about. The radio station, who doesn't want to reveal his name, was fired by his boss Bob Hajiglije later that day. It took to long, somebody should have shot that radio station before it had a chance to do anything stupid in the first place. "The radio station was immature in doing what it did", said Mr. Hajiglije. "I fired that radio station. I am the man."
That's all we got.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
SCHOOL OUT!
No more school for the rest of the summer, this reporter declares. The schools were torn down and ready to be rebuilt in about 2-3 months. It happened in just a few hours, a timespan much smaller than last year's infamous "More Than a Few Hours to Tear Down Schools" event that we all dread to see happen two years in a row.
Mass chaos erupted when the all the young bots and robots finally got to leave their Death Houses, and run outside to be free and normal and stupid and running around outside. As happy as this may seem, many young robots were trampled and run over by buses. Too bad!
There were many haters out on the streets protesting that the kids shouldn't be able to live, due to the obvious need for them to be in schools. Those haters really suck, and even though we robots are stupid, it's common knowledge that we should put those haters where they belong! The police have taken them and are thinking if they should put them all in a small jar or a small peanut butter jar.
That's what I am speaking of!
Mass chaos erupted when the all the young bots and robots finally got to leave their Death Houses, and run outside to be free and normal and stupid and running around outside. As happy as this may seem, many young robots were trampled and run over by buses. Too bad!
There were many haters out on the streets protesting that the kids shouldn't be able to live, due to the obvious need for them to be in schools. Those haters really suck, and even though we robots are stupid, it's common knowledge that we should put those haters where they belong! The police have taken them and are thinking if they should put them all in a small jar or a small peanut butter jar.
That's what I am speaking of!
Sunday, May 20, 2007
That didn't work so good
Immeadiately after obtaining our fancy new newspage, we lost the password, so we jsut gotta keep up our reportses here. Too bad all sad! And we wanted all the extra attention of being on the same website as a large amount of famous people and sexual predators.
Monday, April 09, 2007
TRT goes to MySpace
"Yeah, what of it?
Oh, wait, I mean, The Robotside Times Krew are going to report the reports at Myspace now because blospot is hard to log on to all the time and it blogspot also sucks." - Mikey
"" - Robert
"NOBODY TALKS TO ME" - Editor in cheif person thing.
Oh, wait, I mean, The Robotside Times Krew are going to report the reports at Myspace now because blospot is hard to log on to all the time and it blogspot also sucks." - Mikey
"" - Robert
"NOBODY TALKS TO ME" - Editor in cheif person thing.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Deer Avoids Car Accident
Last night a deer was crossing the street and a car decided to drive by. But what happened next stunned everybody, including people. The deer actually got out of the way. The driver of the car decided to take action and chase the deer. Unfortunately the deer could not be found, and the driver hit a tree.
The driver of the car gave us a description of what the deer looked like. It turns out the deer had been guilty of showing intelligence many other times before. Please be on the lookout for smart deer.
The driver of the car gave us a description of what the deer looked like. It turns out the deer had been guilty of showing intelligence many other times before. Please be on the lookout for smart deer.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Rap Drives Robots Insane
The Pimpin Gangsta Dog Foos are going to release their new album, "Peace With a Side of Killing the Police" tomorrow and it has caused a large problem. Numb-Minded robots had their Numb-Minds warped after hearing parts of the PGDF's unpopular single "Dog, it is so awesome to be, like, so awesome as I am right now (Rapping really, really awesome like)".
The small group of citizens started to protest against rap existing, without understanding the fact that horrible music has to exist or the world will not be balanced. The group destroyed buildings, trees, lemonade stands, and other molecules during the protest. When the police found them, they were mumbling words such as "Dog, it is so awesome to be, like, so" and "Awesome as I am right now". Some of the members of the protest were saying "Rapping really really awesome like" in the backround.
The police understand that getting rid of the protestors would be good for our wonderful town, but have realized that it is a good thing overall. "Some people have forgotten how horrible rap sounds," Said Deputy Will B. Fartin, who knows alot about fire safety. "Some people could use a reality check."
Indeed.
The small group of citizens started to protest against rap existing, without understanding the fact that horrible music has to exist or the world will not be balanced. The group destroyed buildings, trees, lemonade stands, and other molecules during the protest. When the police found them, they were mumbling words such as "Dog, it is so awesome to be, like, so" and "Awesome as I am right now". Some of the members of the protest were saying "Rapping really really awesome like" in the backround.
The police understand that getting rid of the protestors would be good for our wonderful town, but have realized that it is a good thing overall. "Some people have forgotten how horrible rap sounds," Said Deputy Will B. Fartin, who knows alot about fire safety. "Some people could use a reality check."
Indeed.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Trouble at Pizza Man
Pizza Man, the official pizza place of the Yellin Kelin song of the same name, has just opened up in Eastern Robotside. In about a month another will open, and soon it's resturaunts will spread throughout the Robot World. One has already opened in New Bot. Everyone is excited to eat there because Yellin Kelin will be singing "Pizza Man", one of his least popular songs, at the opening, just like he did at New Bot.
But what happens when your Pizza is a live turkey?
"First of all," Yellin told us, "You really want to sing about a turkey pizza." Yellin was angry when the chefs told him that they had recieved an order of live turkeys instead of pizza toppings, and pizza for that matter. The resturaunt was evacuated of the turkeys and Yellin and was taken down, by law, due to the fact that a celebrity had not enjoyed their stay there.
But what happens when your Pizza is a live turkey?
"First of all," Yellin told us, "You really want to sing about a turkey pizza." Yellin was angry when the chefs told him that they had recieved an order of live turkeys instead of pizza toppings, and pizza for that matter. The resturaunt was evacuated of the turkeys and Yellin and was taken down, by law, due to the fact that a celebrity had not enjoyed their stay there.
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