Sunday, September 09, 2007
THE MAYOR IS NOT DEAD.
Sorry for the confusion, the mayor didn't die, it was actually the old guy from the story. We're still waiting for the other old man to die.
Puppies, Evil.
An old and highly respected old guy lost an arm and a leg yesterday, and another leg. The puppies strike again. For the first time.
The old man was having a jolly old birthday (Happy birthday old man!) when along came two trios of four puppies. They disguised themselves as repulsive goat butts, but the old man saw through their disguises.
"They were so cute, and being puppies, and I didn't think that they would remove any parts of my body," said the respected old man. "But I was wrong... Once again."
They puppies stole the old man from his sidewalk and brought him to the Scary Shack Next To The Dead Tree On The Spooky Hill That Has Never Been Investigated By Anyone, Ever, Including The CIA. It seems that the SSNTTDTOTSHTHNBIBA, E, ITCIA was the puppies' evil hideout.
The leg and arm were then carefully removed by the puppies, and the leg was carefully removed by the puppies. If anyone, including the CIA, ever investigated the SSNTTDTOTSHTHNBIBA, E, ITCIA, perhaps they would find the old man's leg and arm, and his leg, But this does not seem likely.
"We've got better things to waste our money on." Said our Mayor during an interview about the Robotside Pancake Art Festival. "Last year they didn't even give me a dang pancake."
The old man died in a grave.
The old man was having a jolly old birthday (Happy birthday old man!) when along came two trios of four puppies. They disguised themselves as repulsive goat butts, but the old man saw through their disguises.
"They were so cute, and being puppies, and I didn't think that they would remove any parts of my body," said the respected old man. "But I was wrong... Once again."
They puppies stole the old man from his sidewalk and brought him to the Scary Shack Next To The Dead Tree On The Spooky Hill That Has Never Been Investigated By Anyone, Ever, Including The CIA. It seems that the SSNTTDTOTSHTHNBIBA, E, ITCIA was the puppies' evil hideout.
The leg and arm were then carefully removed by the puppies, and the leg was carefully removed by the puppies. If anyone, including the CIA, ever investigated the SSNTTDTOTSHTHNBIBA, E, ITCIA, perhaps they would find the old man's leg and arm, and his leg, But this does not seem likely.
"We've got better things to waste our money on." Said our Mayor during an interview about the Robotside Pancake Art Festival. "Last year they didn't even give me a dang pancake."
The old man died in a grave.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Another Random Guy Becomes Famous
Here's why THIS random guy will become famous. 8 ran into a hole in the universe just a few hours ago. Yeah, it probably wasn't supposed to be there. That's why we're doing a news report about it. Got it now?
"It was there all right." Said 8. "It was empty, a hole, and probably not in a wall, but more like a universe." Just another quote this reporter will never understand.
8 also pointed out the many theories of how the hole could have appeared, which is all just boring, useless, boring information that if we really wanted to hear about we'd be nerds and writing science magazines instead of REAL NEWS!!!
"I have a science magazine, if you guys want to check it out," said 8, "there's some cool info about all the possibilites of how the hole might have blah blah blah."
Check back some other time, and maybe we'll have some REAL NEWS!!! for you. But not lately. Lately we've been offering some bowls of steaming hot crap. Mmmm!
"It was there all right." Said 8. "It was empty, a hole, and probably not in a wall, but more like a universe." Just another quote this reporter will never understand.
8 also pointed out the many theories of how the hole could have appeared, which is all just boring, useless, boring information that if we really wanted to hear about we'd be nerds and writing science magazines instead of REAL NEWS!!!
"I have a science magazine, if you guys want to check it out," said 8, "there's some cool info about all the possibilites of how the hole might have blah blah blah."
Check back some other time, and maybe we'll have some REAL NEWS!!! for you. But not lately. Lately we've been offering some bowls of steaming hot crap. Mmmm!
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Footballer Sued for Not Wide-Recieving
A footballer on a college football team, the People Who Like Stupid Games, has been found guilty of not wide recieving an object just minutes after signing his wide-recieving guy contract.
Yeah, contract!
"We needed a good wide-reciever guy." said the coach of the People Who Like Stupid Games, who coaches football, and likes playing it. "I thought this guy would do a good job doing... Whatever a wide reciever does."
But he was wrong. Oh the iron! It's just too much! Just as Mr. Wide Reciever man (Of the People Who ike Stupid Games, which is a football team) left to go tell his grandparents about the wonderous injuries he would be enjoying this football season, when an old guy dropped his bag of groceries. We've managed to get this next part word-for-word.
"Could you get my groceries? I have a back, it has a problem, I need my groceries!" Said the old man. "Uh huh sure!" replied wide reciever. And he picked it up! He didn't wide recieve it! OH THE IRON!
"I beat him down a time or two or three or," said the coach, "seven, or perhaps, maybe, more." The coach knew just how to handle the situation, as you can tell. But the authorities can handle it better!
"We're gonna hang one of them dollar thingees right in front of his face, but he can't have it, and he knows it, " Said the authorities. "it's gonna be a hillarious if we can get it on that there tape recorderin' camera and put it on the your tube, or whatever you kids have to keep yerselves alive these days."
The People Who Like Stupid Games will frown upon this day. But they won't frown upon football. The People Who Like Stupid Games like football.
Yeah, contract!
"We needed a good wide-reciever guy." said the coach of the People Who Like Stupid Games, who coaches football, and likes playing it. "I thought this guy would do a good job doing... Whatever a wide reciever does."
But he was wrong. Oh the iron! It's just too much! Just as Mr. Wide Reciever man (Of the People Who ike Stupid Games, which is a football team) left to go tell his grandparents about the wonderous injuries he would be enjoying this football season, when an old guy dropped his bag of groceries. We've managed to get this next part word-for-word.
"Could you get my groceries? I have a back, it has a problem, I need my groceries!" Said the old man. "Uh huh sure!" replied wide reciever. And he picked it up! He didn't wide recieve it! OH THE IRON!
"I beat him down a time or two or three or," said the coach, "seven, or perhaps, maybe, more." The coach knew just how to handle the situation, as you can tell. But the authorities can handle it better!
"We're gonna hang one of them dollar thingees right in front of his face, but he can't have it, and he knows it, " Said the authorities. "it's gonna be a hillarious if we can get it on that there tape recorderin' camera and put it on the your tube, or whatever you kids have to keep yerselves alive these days."
The People Who Like Stupid Games will frown upon this day. But they won't frown upon football. The People Who Like Stupid Games like football.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Septembermonth Extravaganza Goes Bankrupt...?
Pub Licks' Septemberth Annual Septembermonth Extravaganza Event has finally gone to a funeral, died, visited Egypt, and jumped the shark all in a matter of 2 and a half days. So why has everyone's favorite good time event gone bankrupt?
"I'M NOT PAID SOMEONE PAY ME!" Said Septembermonth, all in one sentence (Just like I raised him!). "I HAVE BILLS I MUST PAY I CAN'T PAY THEM BY MYSELF HOW DO I PAY THEM IF I DON'T GET PAYED HELP ME!"
This awful sight was brought to you by Pub Licks, but it is now brought to you by the Department of the Police Department.
"I couldn't really tell what was going on there," said Officer. "People were running around the store screaming, just ask Lieutenant, he was there too, but I think he got trampled."
We took his advice and asked the mangled robot if he knew what was going on with the Septembermonth Extravaganza. We had to smack some dirt out of his mouth for his words to actually be understandable, and we had much trouble doing so, but it's all just part of the job. He screamed "HELP ME!" But since we've heard that many times in this great newspaper, we decided not to do anything about it.
It was obvious that Septembermonth simply could no longer afford being awesome, and had to move on to smaller and worse things. Pub Licks will forever be remembered for not paying this incredible event enough cash for it to survive, and we will forever continue to shun it, for the rest of our worthless lives, until we need some more bread, which is right now.
"I'M NOT PAID SOMEONE PAY ME!" Said Septembermonth, all in one sentence (Just like I raised him!). "I HAVE BILLS I MUST PAY I CAN'T PAY THEM BY MYSELF HOW DO I PAY THEM IF I DON'T GET PAYED HELP ME!"
This awful sight was brought to you by Pub Licks, but it is now brought to you by the Department of the Police Department.
"I couldn't really tell what was going on there," said Officer. "People were running around the store screaming, just ask Lieutenant, he was there too, but I think he got trampled."
We took his advice and asked the mangled robot if he knew what was going on with the Septembermonth Extravaganza. We had to smack some dirt out of his mouth for his words to actually be understandable, and we had much trouble doing so, but it's all just part of the job. He screamed "HELP ME!" But since we've heard that many times in this great newspaper, we decided not to do anything about it.
It was obvious that Septembermonth simply could no longer afford being awesome, and had to move on to smaller and worse things. Pub Licks will forever be remembered for not paying this incredible event enough cash for it to survive, and we will forever continue to shun it, for the rest of our worthless lives, until we need some more bread, which is right now.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
An Innovative New Way To Make Money
Chuck Stuhvup has finally made that invention that everyone grew afros so they could tear their hair out for longer periods of time while waiting for it to be finished. Yeah, I think it's the money making machine. But don't take my word for it, I'll sue you!
"I made the thing here." said Chuck. "It's really a good." was another sentence he used. "I'll might show you it." was also a couple of words he tossed out of his mouth. "I will be teachered a bombardment every day." was I'm not gonna even go there.
Stuhvup then went into his hut and pulled out his hairpiece, told us he wasn't wearing it, then showed us his crazy contraption that would forever supply Robotside with (Counterfeit) money.
Turns out it was a blender, and it cost alot. I've never seen one like it. I actually want to buy one, I don't remember what brand he said it was though.
He said, "I just figured, at the time, you know, money is like a blender. You keep mixing it up, stuff in it, I mean, the blender, and then... It's like money, you know, right? Because money is, like, a big green tree, but it's not big, really, it's actually... Well, more like, you know, something you put in a microwave... Wait, no, you put it in a... Blender, wait, it is a blender, money... Money is, you know, like a blender, but like money, but both at the same time, you know? But like a blender. But like money, too. But also a microwave, no a blender, money is not like a microwave, it's more like a blender, not money... I mean a microwave, you know, not a microwave but a blender, which is like money, but something to do with a big green tree, only smaller, like money, or maybe a blender, you know, because a tree is much too big to be, you know... Money, because money and a tree are different, but money is more like a blender than a tree, because a blender and money are sort of the, you know, same size... But a tree, it's more like, a microwave, but not really, because a blender is more like money and not like a tree or a microwave, or... You know."
"I made the thing here." said Chuck. "It's really a good." was another sentence he used. "I'll might show you it." was also a couple of words he tossed out of his mouth. "I will be teachered a bombardment every day." was I'm not gonna even go there.
Stuhvup then went into his hut and pulled out his hairpiece, told us he wasn't wearing it, then showed us his crazy contraption that would forever supply Robotside with (Counterfeit) money.
Turns out it was a blender, and it cost alot. I've never seen one like it. I actually want to buy one, I don't remember what brand he said it was though.
He said, "I just figured, at the time, you know, money is like a blender. You keep mixing it up, stuff in it, I mean, the blender, and then... It's like money, you know, right? Because money is, like, a big green tree, but it's not big, really, it's actually... Well, more like, you know, something you put in a microwave... Wait, no, you put it in a... Blender, wait, it is a blender, money... Money is, you know, like a blender, but like money, but both at the same time, you know? But like a blender. But like money, too. But also a microwave, no a blender, money is not like a microwave, it's more like a blender, not money... I mean a microwave, you know, not a microwave but a blender, which is like money, but something to do with a big green tree, only smaller, like money, or maybe a blender, you know, because a tree is much too big to be, you know... Money, because money and a tree are different, but money is more like a blender than a tree, because a blender and money are sort of the, you know, same size... But a tree, it's more like, a microwave, but not really, because a blender is more like money and not like a tree or a microwave, or... You know."
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