Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Tales From The Cardboard Box*: How Hobos Survive in Robotside
Yeah, news has been pretty slow lately, so we sped it up with more gibberish you could care less about by telling you some incredibly uneducational, unentertaining and unmiddle-class stories about the survival of hobos in the incredibly almost-hobo-free city of Robotside. Why you ask? Please restate the question and shut up.
Please take note that the following stories are really hard to read, we had to do much translating in the hobo-to-normal dictionary, and it didn't go so well.
The first story comes from another one of those people with some first name like Bob and the last name of Smith, or Johnson, or something of the sort. He told us his real name but it sucked.
"Well, yup, yeah, I, yeah, you know, just, yeah, yup, then he, just, you know, yup."
I called him a liar and cast him out of the hobo society with a gold-plated iron fist.
The next guy called himself "Degeglluh" and tried to kill many of the members of the Times' crew, but we still managed to get quite an interview out of him.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" was one of his most memorable quotes. If you told me to lie, I'd say it brought tears to my eyes. Hey, that would be a good line for an emo song. I think. Wait, they cry alot. I don't know.
The third suffered us murdering him with a strangling heart attack electrocution steak knife. But we still got a pretty nice interview, and I'd say it was definately one of the most amazing interview I'd ever had to do during my whole "career" with the Robotside Times Crew.
He said "I'm not gonna get a job."
*We actually asked the hobos about the stories, not their boxes.
Please take note that the following stories are really hard to read, we had to do much translating in the hobo-to-normal dictionary, and it didn't go so well.
The first story comes from another one of those people with some first name like Bob and the last name of Smith, or Johnson, or something of the sort. He told us his real name but it sucked.
"Well, yup, yeah, I, yeah, you know, just, yeah, yup, then he, just, you know, yup."
I called him a liar and cast him out of the hobo society with a gold-plated iron fist.
The next guy called himself "Degeglluh" and tried to kill many of the members of the Times' crew, but we still managed to get quite an interview out of him.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" was one of his most memorable quotes. If you told me to lie, I'd say it brought tears to my eyes. Hey, that would be a good line for an emo song. I think. Wait, they cry alot. I don't know.
The third suffered us murdering him with a strangling heart attack electrocution steak knife. But we still got a pretty nice interview, and I'd say it was definately one of the most amazing interview I'd ever had to do during my whole "career" with the Robotside Times Crew.
He said "I'm not gonna get a job."
*We actually asked the hobos about the stories, not their boxes.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Torture "Schools" a Success
We never saw it coming. Except yesterday. But you can't blame me, I had to do a news report about it. Wasn't it a great story? why thank you for saying so!
Ahem. The Torture "Schools" that were found out about during yesterday's story are now filled with suffering young bots. I could really care less at the moment, since I'm not one of them. But it is something we should write a story about.
The sewer citizens jumped out from their manholes and burned down the young bot's safe houses. The young bots, unable to put up enough defense against the sewerpeople, were forced to jump from the burning buildings.
Many were injured and some even died.
But, that just makes things easier for the evil sewerpeople. They surrounded and beat down the survivors, stuffed them in bags, beat them again, inspired the Lost Loozers to start a band, and threw them in the Torture "Schools". What happened next is not clear to us; it never really has been.
Ahem. The Torture "Schools" that were found out about during yesterday's story are now filled with suffering young bots. I could really care less at the moment, since I'm not one of them. But it is something we should write a story about.
The sewer citizens jumped out from their manholes and burned down the young bot's safe houses. The young bots, unable to put up enough defense against the sewerpeople, were forced to jump from the burning buildings.
Many were injured and some even died.
But, that just makes things easier for the evil sewerpeople. They surrounded and beat down the survivors, stuffed them in bags, beat them again, inspired the Lost Loozers to start a band, and threw them in the Torture "Schools". What happened next is not clear to us; it never really has been.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Young Robots Brace For the Reopening of Torture "Schools"
In this widely known event that Robotside will cover TWO DAYS IN A ROW, the evil citizens of the Robotside sewers have uncovered their rebuilt Torture "Schools", and they had them done without anyone noticing, caring, or crapping their pants. Well, strike the last one.
The young bots had been slacking, unfortuantely, when building their safe houses. They didn't think a new Torture "School" would be built during the summer, and so they partied like it was some famous time period. They hoped that some of the older robots would notice some evil brewing in the town and stop it before it occured. This did not happen.
The newest Torture "School", which was apparently finished two weeks ago but cleverly hidden by a few giant sheets of paper, is the largest in recorded history.
The young robots are very worried, and this reporter waits to see when the evil Sewerpeople will strike the poor young bots... tomorrow!
The young bots had been slacking, unfortuantely, when building their safe houses. They didn't think a new Torture "School" would be built during the summer, and so they partied like it was some famous time period. They hoped that some of the older robots would notice some evil brewing in the town and stop it before it occured. This did not happen.
The newest Torture "School", which was apparently finished two weeks ago but cleverly hidden by a few giant sheets of paper, is the largest in recorded history.
The young robots are very worried, and this reporter waits to see when the evil Sewerpeople will strike the poor young bots... tomorrow!
Monday, August 13, 2007
It's That Writer's Birthday!
I, Mikey, writer in chef for the Robotside Times, declares once again that now, on this day, at this time, at this declaration, is currently a birthday for himself, because August 13th is indeed my birthday.
Mikey Robot (I said my name in a newsreport! EHHHHH!) is now another year old, and now his age is older. But this news won't shock you if you have common sense.
We went the to streets of Robotside to get people's reactions to the event. The first random guy we talked to said something like "OH. MY. OBJECTS." After he came back from his coma, he explained how shocked he was.
Another quote that was "I didn't know people still had birthdays, man." Many people said this, but as a stupid newspaper company I'd like to give this quote the very famous Bob McBobbe. Mcbobbe said "I didn't know people still had birthdays, man."
Mikey Robot (I said my name in a newsreport! EHHHHH!) is now another year old, and now his age is older. But this news won't shock you if you have common sense.
We went the to streets of Robotside to get people's reactions to the event. The first random guy we talked to said something like "OH. MY. OBJECTS." After he came back from his coma, he explained how shocked he was.
Another quote that was "I didn't know people still had birthdays, man." Many people said this, but as a stupid newspaper company I'd like to give this quote the very famous Bob McBobbe. Mcbobbe said "I didn't know people still had birthdays, man."
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Candy Store Contest is a Baloney Sandwich
You heard it here first! (Because we're the only people that report this stuff)
A local candy store called "Butt" had a contest last week where if you guessed how many jelly beans were in their jar (And all that nonsense) you would win a dollar times one hundred. Pretty sneaky, huh?
All the kids went to the story to guess the jelly beans. They wanted to win that prize so badly. Happy Johnny won the contest, and when he got his prize, it turned out to be $100. That's right! Those evil people!
Happy Johnny sued Butt for the 100 dollars he deserved. All is now well. I think.
A local candy store called "Butt" had a contest last week where if you guessed how many jelly beans were in their jar (And all that nonsense) you would win a dollar times one hundred. Pretty sneaky, huh?
All the kids went to the story to guess the jelly beans. They wanted to win that prize so badly. Happy Johnny won the contest, and when he got his prize, it turned out to be $100. That's right! Those evil people!
Happy Johnny sued Butt for the 100 dollars he deserved. All is now well. I think.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Dead Man Found on Beach, Possibly Solving a 14 Year Old Investigation
It's sad, but true. We finally found the dead guy, and have learned who might have been killed in that Painball Gun Pasta Sauce incident that I would much like to talk about, but I cannot.
I cannot, because this dead guy won't shut up about the possible murders that might have occured during that incident. I try to clear my mind of what he's talking about, but it sure as heck is not working.
This guy is telling me about some sort of ice cream man in a wheelchair with some kind of crazy nuclear device. I'm not yet telling everyone who that is yet, but if anybody knows who this dead guy belongs to, please come get him immeadiately. Please.
Okay, that wheelchair ice cream guy is my neighbor's grandpa. Loser.
I cannot, because this dead guy won't shut up about the possible murders that might have occured during that incident. I try to clear my mind of what he's talking about, but it sure as heck is not working.
This guy is telling me about some sort of ice cream man in a wheelchair with some kind of crazy nuclear device. I'm not yet telling everyone who that is yet, but if anybody knows who this dead guy belongs to, please come get him immeadiately. Please.
Okay, that wheelchair ice cream guy is my neighbor's grandpa. Loser.
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